Wonderful Life
by Atealia
Summary: COMPLETE- Rowen's always been a good student at school. He has several close friends. But he has one secret. One he never wanted anyone to ever find out. But someone has.. . I know, not the best summary...v.v Rowen's POV
1. Chapter 1

Okay, this is the first thing I've written since I posted the last chapter of… . I can't remember. And I'm too tired and lazy to look it up. Anyway, yeah. It's in first person. I'm not the best at it, but, it's the best POV to use for the story I want to tell. But yeah… ummm… just read it. I can't think of what else to say….

I'm not exactly sure how it happened. But it has. I don't even remember exactly when I told him. But I have. I wish I hadn't. It was my secret. No one knew. And I was fooling everyone. No one even suspected the truth. So how and why did I let it out. I know he won't tell anyone. But still, now he knows. And he'll want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it.

            I jump slightly as a hand touches my shoulder.

"Calm down, Rowen, it's just me."

"Sorry, Sage. You startled me." I say quickly, putting on a fake grin. "Guess I was just really deep in thought." Sage raised his one visible eyebrow in question and starts to open his mouth. "You know, with that big psychology exam today." I can tell he doesn't buy my lie. Luckily for me, the teacher decides to start class. I kinda like this class. Well, rather, the book we're currently reading isn't bad. The Catcher in the Rye. Holden gets depressed over everything. We haven't gotten to the end yet. But she did tell us he's in a mental institution talking to a psychologist. Sage wants me to talk to someone. But I don't want to. In a way, it's kind of nice having someone to talk to… but. I don't know.

"Mr. Hashiba."

Uh-Oh. Mrs. Greenly, my English teacher. She's looking at me for an answer. Oh, wait, what were we talking about? The Catcher in the Rye. We just finished chapter 16… so it must be a question dealing with that chapter. The little boy, it must be about him. I quickly look at my worksheet for the question: "What is the little boy who is walking with his parents singing? Does that make Holden feel better or worse?" Well, here's hoping…

"If a body catch a body coming through the rye." Quoting the boy from the book.

"Very good. Now, who can answer the next part of the question?"

I sigh inwardly. I was lucky, but I may not be so lucky next time. Better pay attention.

When the class finally ends, I get up and head to my next class, which Sage is thankfully not in. I have a feeling he's watching me.

Next class is history. We have a test on WWII. All that stuff on the Nazi's. The Holocaust. It's one of those things that's hard to fathom. You just have to be there to fully grasp it. And even then. It's just so out there. So disturbing, that you don't want to deal. But, what choice does life give us?

Receiving my test, I begin. The questions are kind of hard. Guess I should have studied. I'd begun doing that lately. Not studying. I still did homework and all that jazz- that's a good song, "All that Jazz", from Chicago- anyway, yeah, I've been slacking. Yet, I somehow have managed to keep all my A's. Then again, it would be bad if they slipped. Then everyone would realize something was wrong. They'd know I wasn't who they thought I was. If they knew the whole truth, they'd all leave. They might stay out of pity for a while. But only for a while.

After turning in my test, I see that I still have 15 minutes to kill. I take out The Catcher in the Rye and continue reading. I don't want to be stuck thinking. Nothing good ever comes of it. Not for me at least.

The bell rings and I go to computer class. We just started to do work with html coding. It's really not that hard. We had a quiz today. Blah, boring. But easy.

Next was math, Pre-Calculus Honors to be precise. I'm the top kid in the class. Yay. Mentally rolling my eyes, I take my seat half-way down the second row. And life goes on.

The teacher hands back yesterday's test. Mr. Briggs is different from other teachers here. He likes coming to school. Loves his job in general. And always gives a test or quiz every Thursday. At least he's predictable. And the class really isn't bad. It's better then the teacher in my computer class with her monotone voice.

Glancing at my test as he reviews the answers, I note the '105%' at the top. Mentally shrugging, I put it away. Mr. Briggs also always has a bonus on all tests. But he never allows or gives extra credit in the class.

The bell rings. Lunch. I groan inwardly. I probably should eat. Especially since I skipped breakfast. Must be why history seemed so hard. Not eating makes me light-headed. But I don't mind that much. Some, especially Kento, could never imagine skipping a meal. He'd complain his stomach hurt. Mine doesn't hurt. Just feels empty. And I get slightly air-headed. But the emptiness kinda feels good. That should probably worry me. But my head's a little too light to think. But I don't feel much like eating. But maybe I should. My mind feels like it's going in circles. I hope I don't get dizzy.

I'm in the lunch room. Lunch in hand. I seem to be on automatic. Not that I've done anything different for the past year. Well, school year. Two months left. Reaching the 'back' table, I take my usual seat with my back to the room. Works well, don't have to worry too much about eye contact.

"Hey, Rowen!" Kento exclaimed, sitting down to my right. "You got here rather quick today. Are you real hungry or something?"

I know what he was really asking. He was asking if he could have some of my lunch. Quickly glancing to make sure Sage wasn't coming, I gave Kento my sandwich and apple. Unlike the crackers and juice I had, they would go bad if left in my locker till tomorrow. Or who knows when.

"You sure I can have all this?" Kento asked, wide-eyed. "I mean, aren't you…"

I cut him off with a wave of my hand, "Sure, I'm sure. I had a large breakfast so I'm not really too hungry."

"All right!" he beamed. "You're the best, man!

"What did you do?" Cye asked as he sat next to Kento.

"Just gave him some of my lunch."

Cye just smiled and chuckled a bit before starting his lunch. Seeing Sage and Ryo entering the cafeteria, I quickly put the crackers into my backpack and took out my juice and began to drink it.

Sage sat next to me and Ryo between him and Cye.

"Aren't you eating, Rowen?" Sage asked immediately. Eyeing me suspiciously. And with concern.

Crap. Everyone looked at me.

"He said he had a large breakfast, so he gave me some of his." Kento jumped in.

I relaxed a bit. I knew I couldn't get away with lying to Sage forever. He always seemed to know when I was lying.

"So, what are you eating then, Rowen?"

Why couldn't Sage just let it drop!

"AH MAN!" Kento and Cye both exclaimed, jumping up. Some kid had tripped and spilled his lunch all over the two of them. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad after all.

"I'll go get some paper towels." Jumping up and leaving before Sage could protest I headed for the bathroom. After getting a whole bunch, I turn and start to head out the door… as a certain blonde is coming in… crap.

"Hey, Ro-"

"Hey." I smile, cutting him off, holding up the paper towels up as a form of explaination, but keep walking.

After everything was cleaned-up, we all settled into light conversation. Before lunch ended, we decided to go hang out at the park that afternoon and play basketball.

Chemistry and economics went by in a blur. Then, came the last period of the day. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it. But I do sort of dred it. Sage is in there. There'll be no escaping him after school. I just hope he won't talk in the crowded hallway… that might give me time to find the others so I can avoid having to talk to him. Alone.

Taking my usual seat next to him, just as the bell rings, I try very hard not to look in his direction. But at the same time, try not to look like I was avoiding looking at him.

The teacher passed out the test. Joy. Normally I'm the first done. Today, I was almost the last person. I had to keep re-reading each question. I couldn't get them to make sense. Maybe I should start eating three meals a day again. But it was so much effort. Besides, I've been fine the past two weeks with only one meal a day. Though the main reason I actually ate was because I always ate dinner with my parents. And if I didn't eat, they'd know something was not quite right. I couldn't have that. They'd probably send me to a psychologist.

Class ended. Heading out the door with Sage, I was saved by Ryo who immediately joined us. Today was a good day.

Okay, that was is it. Bad? Good? Please R&R! I won't post till I get at least one review. Just one, that's all I ask…. cuddles chibi Rowen mine….


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the next chappie! . I hope you like it. I wrote it fully during 1st-3rd period. We're doing nothing in those class! Which is actually how this fic was born. I needed something to do. But, I should be able to keep up with this since school is slowing down so much. Anyway, I'm not sure how this chapter's going to turn out. This is the first time I've written a chapter straight onto the computer. Normally I write it on paper, then type it later. Anyway, two more things:

1) Thank:

Shigeru

DarkMistress950

JillyBean3

For reviewing!

2) Even though this _should_ go without saying- I do not own Ronin Warriors or The Catcher in the Rye. I am simply exploit… er borrowing .' them so that I may entertain you people for a short period of time.

Anyway, on with the next chapter.

I could never tell Sage. Not everything anyway. Especially the fact that I feel as if I've gotten worse since I let my secret slip. I'm not exactly sure why. I think it may be because saying it out loud made me have to admit the truth to myself. Though, I wonder if maybe it's for other, sub-conscience reasons. That I've gotten worse that is. Life is just so confusing. I don't think I even understand half the things I do.

Though, sometimes I do. And then I regret doing them. Like now.

We had been playing basketball for a while. I was sort of into the game, though not as much as the others.

When Kento passed me the ball, I missed it, barely even noticing it in time to try and grab it. But it was too late.

"Hey, Rowen, get your head in the game!" Kento yelled. I think he was joking around. But I'm not sure.

So, I decided to try and get more into the game. But, it's always a bad idea when I do. I'm real competitive. I mean **_REAL_** competitive. If I'm into the game, I'll do practically anything I can do to win. So, I started to really play. I wish I hadn't. Cye was on the other team. He got in my way, I shoved and went for the basket. I can be such a freaking idiot sometimes.

"Rowen, what'd you do that for?!" Ryo yelled from where he was helping Cye back up.

"I, I'm sorry, Cye. Really." I wish I didn't stammer so much. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. Just anywhere but here. I'm just so stupid sometimes. I smirk inwardly. And people say I'm the smart one of the group. Yeah right.

Was it just me, or had a really ackward silence fallen? They're probably mad at me. All of them. They probably think I'm so weirdo. I hate it when this happens. That's why I try to normally just keep my mouth shut, eyes on the ground or in a book. And it's when I break the promise to myself to just stay quiet that stuff like this happens.

Maybe I should just leave. Find a hole to crawl into. Maybe there's a cemetery around here. I wonder if the guys would be willing to dig a hole for me. Probably not. They'd probably be too afraid of law suits. Don't blame them. I can't blame anyone. But me.

"Why don't we call it a night?" Sage suggested.

I wonder how long it's been quiet. Or maybe they've been talking all along. I need to start paying more attention. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Not paying attention. Drifting to my world in my head.

"Pizza!" Kento hollered.

Crap. I missed something else. Well, at least I know what we're doing. Pizza. Probably that place two blocks from Sage's family's dojo. We always go there. I grab my bag and follow the others. I'm behind the rest. That's happened a lot lately too. There's not enough room for all of us to walk next to each other on the side walk. Only for us to walk on pairs. Cye and Kento always walk together. And lately Ryo and Sage have been walking together. Leaving me to walk alone. Behind the rest of them. I wonder if they really like me. I mean, I know we hang out. But times like these I wonder if they really count me as a friend rather than an acquaintance or peer.

"Hey, you okay there, Rowen?"

"Um, uh, yeah, fine, Ryo." Wonder why he's asking all of a sudden. Wait. What if Sage told him. Maybe that's why they've been hanging-out a lot lately. Maybe they're talking about me. But then again, why? Why would they waste time talking about me?

"That was a pretty big sigh there, Rowen." Sage said, with something akin to concern in his voice. But I may have been imagining it. Wait. I don't remember sighing. Not out loud anyway. I must be slipping. I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing.

"Rowen? You all right?" Sage asked in a low voice.

"I'm fine. Just a long week." I said, then adding, "At school." Looking up, I realize that the others are ahead of us. "Come on, we're getting behind." Jogging, I catch up with the others, not giving Sage a chance to say anything.

At the restaurant, we order two large pizzas. To start with. Though, we'll order more. We always do. But, I don't know. It's just the way we've always done things. Old habits die hard I guess. We always get one pepperoni and one with mushrooms. I personally like perpperoni. I have mushrooms. Actual mushrooms. I don't mind something that's been cooked with mushrooms, they give a nice flavor actually. But I hate actually mushrooms. It's weird. It doesn't make sense. The guys tease me about it sometimes. As well as the fact that I like pizza, but hate tomatoes, ketchup and tomato sauce for that matter. But for some reason I still like pizza. I wish they'd stop picking on me about it. I don't think they really mean anything by but. I don't think anyway.

The conversation stayed light through the first two pies. I like this conversation. You can talk for hours but never have to actually say anything. Nothing about yourself. Nothing personal. Nothing except saying what everyone else says and what they expect you to say. Though, it can get hard sometimes. Remembering what people want to hear that is. But I'm normally pretty good at it. Especially when writing papers for school. Teachers are so easy to predict in what they want to hear.

"So, what did you think of Ms. W.'s test today?" Ryo asked.

"I studied for _hours_ last night, and I think I _still_ failed!" Kento whined.

"It was alright." Cye commented.

"Fine." I said, none emotionally, taking a sip from my soda. No, it wasn't I thought to myself. But I couldn't tell the others that. I didn't study for that history test. But, I may still pull off a low A. Kento would kill for that grade. But I would get killed for that grade. By everyone if they found out. I'm supposed to get straight A's. I'm getting sick of it. But it's what I've always done. You can't just change who you are just because you feel like it. Habits die hard.

We ordered another pepperoni pizza. I didn't eat any of this one though. I'd already had two slices.

"Aren't you gonna eat anymore, Rowen?" Sage asked. I wish he'd stop asking about how I was. The others might catch on soon. If they didn't already know that is.

"No, I'm full."

"But you only had two slices."

"Yeah, so?"

"You normally have four."

"I'm just not that hungry."

"But you didn't eat lunch."

"I'm full."

Thankfully, he dropped it. But he was eyeing me. Crap. He's going to ask me about this later. I just know it. That is, if he talks to me. I just have to try an avoid him a bit longer. Just until he forgets. Why must Sage have such an excellent memory?

Besides that one 'incident' the rest of dinner went well. Thankfully, when Sage was inquiring me, they were busy talking about something else. Afterwards, we all went to Sage's family's dojo. Like we do most Fridays. We hung out and did some sparring. Out of habit, I stayed after Ryo, Kento and Cye left. Sage and I normally sparred more after they left. I wasn't thinking straight. I should have left. But now, I'm stuck alone with the one person I don't want to be. Because he knows. No one was supposed to know.

Well, that's it for this chapter. Shigeru, I hope this chapter made things a little clearer, if, not, let me know, but I think I may say things a bit more bluntly next chapter, though we'll have to wait and see. I don't know. This is actually the first time I've written something without writing an outline of the whole fic first. .' We'll see…


	3. Sage Short

Okay, this isn't actually the next chapter... You know how some TV shows get a movie sometimes and the movie doesn't necessarily come in at any particular point in the TV series? Well, think of this mini-itty-bitty chapter as such. It doesn't really go here, but that doesn't mean it can't. Follow me? Plus, I wanted to drag out the suspense of everything just one more chapter --'' Okay, so this chapter didn't originally turn out as I had hoped... but I just rewrote it and I hope it now tells the 'story' that I originally wanted to tell.... If it's still overly confusing... Then I'll just remove it. But I wanted to give this chapter a chance to live...

I'm not a person to tell others my personal thoughts or feelings. Since I was little, I just got used to relying on myself to get through hard times. Not that people didn't care. They did. I just never felt comfortable sharing my thoughts. So why start now? One thing that most people don't mind sharing, in fact, most people won't hesitate to tell you - if you're their friend, that is - is their crush, or love as some put it. I hate telling people who I like. Well, actually, hate isn't the right word. Embarrassed might be better, but still not quite right. I don't know. I hate words. You can never find the right words to express your true thoughts.

For quite a while now, I've had this crush. Not that they'd ever bother to give me a second look. As far as dating's concerned.

They defy many stereotypes of the average high school student. A gorgeous blonde, but not dumb or air-headed. In fact, they get very good grades. But even though they get good grades, they aren't a geek- like me. And again, being a gorgeous blonde doesn't make them a popular, flirty sports person. Martial arts, karate to be precise, is their big after school thing. But just because they know karate, they don't go around bragging about it. In fact, they're modest and kind.

I once made the mistake of writing Rowen Hashiba loves Saige Sakura in my notebook while daydreaming. But I scribbled it out quickly. I'd hate it if Saige found out. Mostly because I know she'd reject me.

And as much as I would like to go out, I don't think I'd have the guts to ask her out. And I'd probably freeze and choke if Saige ever gave me a second glance. Hell, even one glance from that girl. But, it'll never happen. She has a boyfriend.

So? Like? Hope you liked it.. I tried to make it better... v.v' And thank you to mischakitsune and Shigeru for reviewing for chapter two.  
  
Kelly and Arista Niara- I hope this clarifies that I did NOT intend to make Sage a girl, because I didn't.  
  
Firestorm- And no... not the exact twist I was going for -.-''

Shigeru- You actually got what I was trying to convey... well sort of... sigh

And I appoligize that this mistake went sooo long without correction. And I'm going to get to work on the next chapter ASAP. I've started it, but I haven't finished it... yet... and I appoligize... but I sort of started reading an 82 chapter fic... and heehee, yeah sweatdrops but it was good!! Okay, enough rambling, I got to get to work on next chappie! runs off


	4. Chapter 3

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update .'' Forgive me! The bulk of this chapter was written while on a plane to and from a cousin's graduation. So, I hope you like it. There's a 'fight' scene in here… I've never done one before, but I recently read a fic that _did_ so…. Yeah, I hope it's okay. Hmm… nothing else to say so…..

Every once in a while, my mom makes me go with her to the grocery store. When she does, I just go along and push the cart, keeping her company. It is so boring though. So, I try to amuse myself the best way I can. I cross my arms and hold onto the handle/bar thing, plant my feet and lean back till the bottom bar is pressing against my leg. Then, I try to get back up into a standing position without moving my feet or hands. That's how I feel now. Stuck here with Sage. I'm trying, struggling to get up, but without going anywhere. Without changing who I am. I'm scared someone's going to bump into me and force me to move, change my footing or fall on the ground. I can see Sage coming towards me. And I don't know if he can really see how much I'm struggling to get back up.

Sometimes, when I do actually manage to stand up fully again, I normally just lean back again to see if I can get back up again. I keep letting myself sink just to see if I can get back up. It's like I'm addicted to this torture cycle that I put myself through.

Man, I really am in need of mental help. I'm comparing my life to a shopping cart for god's sake!

"Ready?"

"Huh?"

"Are you ready?" Sage repeated. Crap. He'd been speaking to me and I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't here him. This isn't good.

"Ready?" I repeat weakly, hoping to sound like I'm just playing dumb. Only, it really isn't an act, but I have to act like I'm acting. Ugh, this is so confusing!

Sage takes a breathe, not _really_ visibly, but I still notice. I've known him for too long. "Are you ready to go again?"

Giving him a smile that I hoped looked genuine; I nodded and took my stance with the bokken(**1)**.

After eyeing each other for a minute, we start circling each other. With each pass, we get closer and closer. Suddenly, Sage attacked, which caught me by surprise because it was rare that he ever made the first move. However, I recovered quickly and blocked the low blow aimed at my left side. My weak side.

We stay that way, bokken crossed, staring at each other, sizing the other one up. I swing my bokken aroung, forcing Sage's also around in an arc. Jumping back I take a defensive stance.

He seems so calm. I just don't get it. I was sure that as soon as we were alone, he'd ask me. But he hasn't. Not even made an indication that he's thinking about it.

We both charge and our bokken clash several times before we both back off and begin circling again. Again. Sage charges me and I barely react in time to block the attack. This time, however, he immediately strikes again. Repeatedly he strikes, forcing me backwards. Step by step. He's so aggressive. So focused. So. Calm. Sure. What's he planning…

Ack! I tripped over my own feet! As I fall, I see Sage coming in for a final attack. I barely roll away in time. But Sage doesn't give me a chance to stand back up. This time, instead of rolling away, I block his attack with my sword. But he's able to use his strength and gravity to slowly push down until my own bokken is a hair's span away from my throat.

Why is he staring at me so intently? It's creeping me out. But, I can't speak. It feels like I have something caught in my throat. I try to swallow, but it won't go down. It just causes the bokken to rub against my throat.

After staring at me for what felt like hours, Sage finally moves off me and sits down a few feet away, leaning against the wall. Which, I just realize I missed hitting my head on by about a few inches. Feeling akward, I pull myself into a sitting position and sit next to him, leaning against the wall as well.

For a long while, we just sat there in silence. A voice in the back of my head keeps screaming for me to leave. But, I can't. I don't know why. Sage _will_ say something soon. I should leave before he does. I don't want to talk about it!... Do I? I've always said I don't, but is that what I really want? No, I want to tell someone.. Badly. But. No one would understand. So, why did I let it slip? Why did I tell Sage? Maybe he hasn't brought it up because he really doesn't care. Maybe he's just stuck on routine like me. After all, old habits die hard. I guess that's why we stick to things even if they begin to hurt us. We're just so used to doing the same thing. So used to just hitting auto pilot.

I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them, leaning my forehead against my arms I let out a heavy sigh. This is just so confusing. Closing my eyes, I try to think of nothing. Just stop thinking. Eyes down cast, I bring my head up, and rest my chin on my right arm and lean my head into my left hand with my elbow pressing into my leg.

My head's throbbing now. I curl my fingers. Maybe I should just go to bed. Standing up, I start walking, eyes never leaving the floor.

"Rowen." I feel a hand on my shoulder. Turning, I see Sage. My eyes go wide. I'd forgotten I was still at Sage's dojo. Looking at his face, I see concern etched on his face. "If you need to talk, I'm here for you." He squeezed my shoulder gently.

Looking away, I shrug his hand off. "I'm fine." I hope I didn't sound harsh. "Really." I turn and force a smile.

"No, you're not, Rowen." Sage stared at my intensely.

"Sage, I-" But he cut me off.

"You told me yourself you weren't just a week ago!" I don't think I'd ever seen him this upset about anything before.

"Look, just forget it, alright?!"

"No." He's said that a lot lately it seems. Is he purposely contradicting me? My head's really throbbing now.

Gritting my teeth, I turn to leave.

"Rowen! You need help! If you won't let me help you then get professional help!"

"What do I need help for?!" Who does he think he is?! He doesn't really care! Ugh! Why won't this head ache go AWAY?!

"You're depressed for god's sake! And damn it, Rowen, I don't want to be the one to walk into your room one day and be the one to find you're lifeless body hanging from the ceiling or lying in a puddle of your own blood!" I don't remember Sage ever yelling so much. But it was ticking me off.

"Well, then, don't go in my room! Problem solved!" Turning on my heel, I head for the door, but he grabs my wrist to stop me.

"… Rowen…" Glancing over a him, I notice he isn't looking at me anymore. He's looking at the floor. It's funny, normally, I'm the one staring at the floor, not him. He spoke very softly, so softly, that I had to strain to hear him. "Please, Rowen, they have people who can help you. People you can talk to. I'll go with you if you want. But you need to talk to _someone_. And if you're really depressed, they have medication now that you can take. Please."

After a few minutes he let go of my wrist. Looking down at it, I just can't really think of anything… except for a single word: death.

In a low voice, I finally find the right words, or, what I hope are the right words. "You should know more then anyone, Sage, that I don't have an easy time expressing myself…" I take a deep breathe and try to clear my thoughts through my pounding headache. "Give me time to think about it." I start to head towards the door.

As I go to grab my bag from near the wall, Sage responded in a controlled voice, "Alright. But one more thing, promise me you'll start eating again." Before I can put in my defense, Sage holds up his hand and continues. "I've been watching you. You haven't eaten lunch in quite a while and tonight you ate a lot less then you used to."

Not even acknowledging what he'd just said, I open the door, and without turning around, I call back to him. "I'll see you at school Monday." Closing the door behind me, I walk to the edge of the property, then stop to debate whether I want to run home or just walk as slow as I possibly can. I hate decisions. I hate me.

**1**- For the purposes of this fic, it is a wooden practice sword. I've tried to find out _exactly_ what it was and a lot of the pics I found were of wooden swords.. but I'm not sure if that what it is exactly. For those of you who have see Rurouni Kenshin, think of it like the wooden sword Yahiko uses. And I just didn't want to say 'sword' or 'practice sword' because it made it sound like the wrong visualization was being given… soo… yeah

That's the chapter. I, er, Sage, bluntly stated Rowen's problem…. Does it make sense? Did you seen 'it' coming? Was it Good? Bad? sighs Well, guess I need to start brainstorming the next chapter. wanders off


	5. Chapter 4

I am soo sorry that I took this long, but I got writer's block after last chapter (not to mention I lost the will to write..) But I got a review for an old piece a day ago, and I wanted to write again. I still didn't feel that inspired, but I wanted to write, so, here's the next (and probably last chapter). It's bad, but it's the best I can do. Maybe someday I'll rewrite it, maybe not. I don't know. Anyway, the song lyrics are _Mistress_ by Disturbed.

I still don't own Ronin Warriors, and never well. Enjoy.

**Edit**: Nix Entente pointed out a grammatical error, which I fixed, other then that, the story is unchanged. Thank you Nix Entente! .

As I stood trying to make my decision about whether to walk or run, my head started pounding again. Best walk. As I did, I tried very hard not to think. But it wasn't working very well. My conversation with Sage kept running through my head. Maybe he really was concerned about me… But… I couldn't go to someone for help. I just couldn't. More then telling him, seeking professional help would mean a form of admittance that some was _truly_ wrong… I shook my head. That only caused it to throb and make me feel dizzy.

When I got home, no one else was. They must have gone out. My parents do that sometimes if they know I'm going out with the guys. Just surradically go out to dinner, or where ever. But I didn't mind. I actually preferred it this way. To come home to an empty house. No questions. No one to watch me. I could do as I wanted- to an extent.

I changed into more comfortable clothes, the kind people wear around the house. I got out my CD player and put in Disturbed's Believe CD. I turned up the volume as loud as I could and let the music drown out everything- all thoughts and sounds.

_I stand on the brink of your mind_

_Living inside a nightmare from which_

_I can not awaken_

I just wanted escape, if only for a little bit. To not have to think about all these things that plagued my mind.

_Stand on the edge of your life_

_Just give me another moment _

_From which I will never awaken_

Sometimes though, I just couldn't help wanting to leave behind all this pain. Permanately.

_Stand on the brink of my own demise_

_Fallen again for another_

I've thought about it, but I can never really come up with a sure way to end it all.

_Mistress of burden_

_To idolize_

But even as I think about it, I just can't go through with it. I guess it's because I keep hoping things will get better. And, because I fear that, there might actually be someone who cares about me. And my selfish act would hurt them. I keep looking forward, down, but forward. I hope, hold out that someday, I'll be like everyone else, and be free of these thoughts.

_Hoping that one of them will decide _

_To let me in_

I don't know how to escape them though. They follow me everywhere. I can't ever stop thinking. But I try to never show what I'm thinking. I put up my mask. No one can see the real me. And yet, I hope that one day, someone will recognize my mask for that, and will want to know me. But… that is hoping for a bit much.

_To stand on the edge of the knife_

_Cutting through the nightmare from which_

_I just cannot awaken_

Even so, that hope has kept me from actually cutting. That, and the fact that I don' know what I'd do if someone saw the scars that they'd leave. Sometimes, I've wondered what it would feel like… if maybe the pain from slicing my skin open, would block out this pain in my head. I can never fully grasp the origin of my emotional pain, but, I can understand physical pain. Anyone can.

_Stand on the edge of the night_

_Living inside a moment_

_From which I will never awaken_

I look up at the vast sky above. It is so large. And I am so small. What significance could I have? I look down at the razor in my hand. If my parents don't get home for a while, then I'd have time. But I don't know when they'll get back. And I don't want to live after having people know.

_Look at what you've done to me_

_You've become my enemy_

_Poisoning the world for me_

_Take away my everything_

_Weakened as I am_

I sigh heavily and continue staring at the blades of the razor. It truly is amazing how we can be our own worst enemy. In reality, we and we alone have the ability to destroy ourselves. My mind has destroyed me. I have no will left in me. No real will to fight for a life that I might have known. I'm too tired of life to struggle. I'm just too stuck on the auto pilot of self-destruction.

There is no point to continue on, is there? I thought back to my conversation with Sage earlier. My being around would only burden him. He shouldn't have to deal with my problems. Problems that will never go away. Not until I die. And problems were meant to be solved.

I hold the solution in my hand, I just need to have the courage to take action.

Okay, it was bad, real bad. --

I would, though, like to thank: Arista Niara, zorra, and Effigy for reviewing for the last chapter.


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